The Etiquette of Dealing with Parents and the Elderly

Yasir Qadhi | The Etiquette of Dealing with Parents and the Elderly

Source : http://muslimmatters.org/

Lecture by Yasir Qadhi | Transcribed by Sameera

[The following is the video and transcript of Shaykh Yasir Qadhi’s lecture “The Etiquette of Dealing with Parents and the Elderly” at the United for Change “Our Families: Our Foundation” conference in Montreal.  The transcript includes slight modifications for the sake of readability and clarity.]

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o0kT3h_C1Q]

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Al-salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

In Surat’l-Kahf in the famous story of Khidr (‘alayhi’l-salam) and his encounter with Musa – a story that all of you have heard and read numerous times – Khidr meets three people, and each time he meets one of them, he does something very strange.  One of the three people that he meets is a young man.  What does Khidr do when he sees this young man walking along the beach, as the riwayat tell us?  He kills him.  Musa (‘alayhi’l-salam) cannot believe what he is seeing.  “Have you killed an innocent soul?  How could you have done this?  How could you have taken the life of another human being?”

Khidr of course, as you know, is doing this as a commandment from Allah and a wahy from Allah.  He says to Musa, “I told you [that] you can’t be patient with me.”   At the end of the story, what do we find out?  “As for this person that I killed, their parents were good people, and Allah knew that if we caused this young man to grow older and mature, he would have caused much grief and hardship to his parents, so Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) wanted to take this one away and substitute with another one who will be merciful to them.”

This story tells us much, but one of the things it tells us is that one of the most painful experiences of human existence and one of the most emotionally traumatic situations that any person can find himself or herself in is to find a son or daughter who is displeasing to them and to raise a child with love and mercy and tenderness and to have this child grow up and flourish in front of their eyes, and to spend one’s entire livelihood, one’s savings, one’s life and time and efforts on this young son or daughter and then to find this son or daughter turns around and goes against them.  This son or daughter treats them in a harsh or rude manner.  This human being, because of whom they felt motivated to live – a child motivates a parent to live – and this human being because of whom they changed their whole life plans and worked hard and struggled; someone whom they expected nothing but mercy and tenderness in response to – instead, when this child turns against the parent and treats them with contempt and arrogance, ridicule, sarcasm, the emotional trauma and distress that a parent feels is more profound than anything else.  That is why, as a mercy to righteous parents, Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) actually decided to take this ghulam away because if he were allowed to live, he would have caused distress and grief.

This is something one needs to think about.  Parents would be less distressed at the death of their child and at the nonexistence of this boy that they raised than they would if he were allowed to remain and allowed to flourish and yet he would cause them grief and harm.  This really shows us how much a parent loves a child and how important it is that the children treat their parents with that love and respect that is due to them.

Brothers and sisters, I am sure that each one of you has heard many khutbahs, many durus, many Islamic lectures about the rights that parents have and about the rights that children have to do when they treat their parents.  How can you not have heard such lectures when the Quran treats the rights of parents second only to Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala).  I am sure that the verses and ahadith have been memorized by you.  Wallahi, they need to be memorized and they need to be understood.  Yet, Allah still reminds us in the Quran, “Remind them even if they have heard before.  Mention it again because mentioning it again and reminding them benefits the believers.”

Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) emphasizes the rights of the parents using the strongest nouns, strongest verbs, and strongest adjectives.  He always emphasizes the rights of the parents after He emphasizes His own rights.  “Your Lord has decreed…”  This is the decree of Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) and this is the eternal decree upon which there is no other decree that will supersede it.  “…that you shall worship none except Him and that you should treat your parents with ihsan.”

What does ihsan mean?  Ihsan comes from husn, and husn means perfection. The state of ihsan as defined by Al-Raghib Al-Asbahani and many of the famous commentators of the Arabic language means that you give everything you possibly can to the other party without expecting anything back from them.  This is what the state of ihsan is.  You give everything you can – your heart and your soul, your body and your efforts – and what do you want in return?  Absolutely nothing.  That is the state of ihsan (perfection).  You are giving and it is a one way street.  There is nothing in return that you want back.  Why?  Because my parents have already given me far more than I can ever pay back.  My parents have already done for me much more than I can possibly do for them.  Now it is my time to try to not even repay the favor because that is never going to happen, but at least do my duty as a loyal son.

In another famous verse, Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) says, “We took a covenant with the children of Israel that they worship none except God and they treat their parents with ihsan.” In yet another verse, Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) tells us that when your parents reach an elderly age, don’t even say uff to them.  Scholars of the Arabic language tell us uff is an expression or phrase that actually doesn’t have a verbal meaning.  There is no noun that it is based off of.  It is simply a sound that is uttered like when you are hurt and say “ouch.”  It is not a noun, and it is not a verb; it is simply a sound.  Uff is the slightest expression of contempt.  The Arabic scholars tell us the slightest expression of irritation and anger is uff.  When you are irritated, the slightest thing you can say is uff.  Allah is saying, “Don’t say uff to them.”  Ibn ‘Abbas said, “Had there been a word lesser than uff, Allah would have used it in this verse.”  Had there been a word lesser than uff to describe a state of exasperation or frustration, Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) would have used it here.

The meaning here is that when your parents reach that age when you have to now take care of them, they will do things that will irritate you.  They will treat you in ways that you will find troublesome.  Why?  Because you are not a child anymore; you are an adult, but for your parents, you are always going to be a child as we all know.  No matter how old you are – 40, 50, 60 – in their eyes, and they have every right to do this, you are always their little baby.  They are going to command you and tell you this and that, and you being masha’Allah 30 or 40 or 50 or however old you are, think that khalas you are in charge.  It is very easy to lose track of the fact that when your parents are there, you are always going to be their little baby.  Allah says, “Don’t say uff to them.”

The beauty of the Quran here is that Allah does not command you with more than you can bear.  Notice Allah doesn’t say don’t get angry and Allah doesn’t say don’t get frustrated and Allah doesn’t say don’t get emotional because that is inside the heart.  What Allah does say is don’t express that emotion externally; control it, trap it, and make sure it is not manifest to your parents.  This is the beauty of our religion.  Anybody who is dealing with elderly parents knows this first hand.  It is very difficult to take care of elderly parents.  It is very frustrating.  Allah didn’t tell you to not get frustrated.  Allah said, “Don’t express that frustration.  Don’t let it manifest.  Don’t let anything come that will show your parents you are frustrated.  Trap it; keep it within you.”  Outwardly, show them the respect that they deserved, even if it has to be forced.

Likewise, in the beautiful story of Luqman (‘alayhi’l-salam) when he is giving advice to his son.  “When Luqman said to his son, ‘Don’t commit shirk with Allah.  Verily shirk is the worst of all sins.”  Then Allah said, “We are the ones who told mankind to treat his parents with kindness, ihsan, and gentleness.”  The next verses: “Luqman said,…Luqman said,…Luqman said…”  What I am trying to emphasize here is that there is a passage one page long in Surah Luqman.  Every single verse begins with, “Luqman said to his son, ‘Ya bunayy…’”  There is only one verse in which Allah speaks directly.  “We are the ones who told mankind to take care of their parents.”  It is not Luqman telling his son, “O my son, take care of us.”  In only one of these verses Allah removed the voice of Luqman and spoke in His own voice.  Scholars say this is to emphasize that Luqman when he is preaching to his son to be righteous is not doing it out of his own selfish motivation.  He is not doing it based on “I am your father, treat me like this.”  Rather, Allah took this obligation from him and Allah spoke on behalf of him, and Allah said, “This is Our Commandment.  We are the ones who commanded mankind to treat their parents with gentleness and mercy.”

The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) in numerous ahadith elaborated on this concept of treating parents with mercy and tenderness.  We can go on and on about this fact.  Once it is narrated he (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) entered Jannah and he heard somebody reciting the Quran in a beautiful voice.  He asked Jibril, “Who is this person?”  He was told, “This is al-haritha b. Nu‘man [a famous companion of the ansar].”   The Prophet (sallallahu‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “This is what birr does to a man.  al-haritha used to be good and righteous to his mother.”  He hears haritha reading Quran in Jannah, and automatically he links it to only one action: this is what righteous does; he used to be good to his mother.

You all know the story of Uways al-Qarni, and if not, we will summarize it briefly.  Uways al-Qarni was not a companion; he was a tabi‘i.  He never met the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).  The Prophet (sallallahu‘alayhi wa sallam) told ‘Umar b. Al-Khattab, “There will come to you a man from Yemen,” and he described him in detail.  He said, “His name is Uways from the tribe of Qarn.  When he comes to you, then ask him to make du‘a’ for you.”  He is asking ‘Umar to ask this man he has never seen to make du‘a’ for him.  Why?  He was righteous to his mother.  ‘Umar b. Al-Khattab, being who he is, is told to go to this man because he was righteous to his mother.  Some books of history mention a story – Allah knows how authentic it is, but it is mentioned in our classical sources – that Uways al-Qarni was the only son, and his father had passed away.  He was taking care of his mother in a very dutiful manner.  He asks and begs permission to go to Madinah and meet the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).  His mother grudgingly allows him to go but says, “You know that I need you; therefore, I only give you a day or two in Madinah.  As soon as you get there, meet the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and come back.”  It is said that Uways traveled from Yemen all the way to Madinah, and when he got there, lo and behold, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was away on an expedition and wasn’t in Madinah.

Now he was stuck between two options.  The first was to wait a week or two and wait for the Prophet (sallallahu‘alayhi wa sallam) to return.  He has traveled from Yemen, which is already a month’s journey.  If he did, he would be raised in status eternally from a tabi‘i to a sahabah.  The second option was to listen to his mother.  What did he choose to do?  He chose to obey his mother and give up this voluntary status.  Being a sahabi is a privilege but it is not wajib.  Listening to your mother is wajib.  According to this riwayah, Uways al-Qarni stayed a day or two, as much as his mother had allowed him, and then he rode his mount all the way back to Yemen.  He voluntarily and willingly gave up that status in order to please his mother.

It is no surprise, therefore, that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said what he said to ‘Umar b. Al-Khattab that “When Uways al-Qarni comes to you, ask him to make du‘a’ to Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) because this is a man who used to treat his mother with righteousness and birr.”  SubhanAllah, this shows us that if we really want our du‘a’s to be accepted, then let us treat our parents with the dignity and respect that they deserve.  If we want Allah to bless us and if we want the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) to know who we are – Uways al-Qarni and the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) never met, but Allah’s wahy came down and Jibril told him who Uways al-Qarni was.  How magnificent of a status did this man have that Jibril comes down to inform our Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) about this beautiful human being whose only good that we know of was he was somebody who treated his mother with birr.  That is why the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) never ceased to remind us to take care of our parents with the utmost gentleness and kindness.

In one hadith, he said, “The largest door to Jannah and the middle door to Jannah that any person has are that of his parents.”  His parents are the easiest way that a person can enter Jannah.  If you treat your parents with the love and respect that they deserve, the easiest way to enter Jannah will be through that door.

In yet another hadith, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of the parents, and the anger of Allah is in the anger of the parents.”  If your parents are happy with you, then even if you have other sins and other major problems, insha’Allah ta‘ala this is a source of expiation and kaffarah for you.  Once a man came to Ibn ‘Abbas and said, “O Ibn ‘Abbas, I have done this and I have done that.  I have fornicated and I have drunk wine.”  He basically did every sin in the book.  “What can I do to make up for this?”  Ibn ‘Abbas said, “Are your parents alive?”  He said, “My mother is alive.”  Ibn ‘Abbas said, “Go and serve her because wallahi, I know of no good deed that cleanses a man of all of his sins than servicing his parents.”

Another motif of the Sunnah, which is in at least four or five ahadith, we learn that even struggling in the way of Allah and even participating in a legitimate jihad.  These days, the word “jihad” makes me a little scared.  We call it the “J-word” and are not supposed to say the word “jihad.”  The fact of the matter is, we need to overcome this trepidation and this hesitation, and we need to say very clearly that jihad is a concept of our religion and it is mentioned in the Quran in hundreds of verses and in the hadith dozens of times.  It is mentioned in a noble manner, and there is nothing wrong with the concept of jihad.  What is wrong is how certain Muslims have misunderstood it.  The concept of jihad remains a noble striving for the sake of Allah.  Jihad means you strive for the sake of Allah.  It does not mean you go and kill innocent people.  It doesn’t mean you go and bomb civilians.  It doesn’t mean you misinterpret your religion of Islam and do that which damages your own people more than it damages others.  The concept of jihad is a noble one.  We should not be ashamed and we should not be shy from using this word.

We need to reclaim the word with dignity and honor as we explain to others and non-Muslims the reality of this word.  What those people are doing is not jihad.  There are aspects of jihad and a concept of jihad that is a part of our tradition.

I want to talk about this motif that is mentioned in more than one hadith which is helping your parents is better than doing a legitimate jihad.  This is really relevant, especially in our times when we are facing a little bit of a crisis of certain youngsters, undereducated and overzealous, who think that they will revive the glory of Islam by doing acts of ridiculousness, militancy and violence and they go overseas and participate in military expeditions in Somalia and Iraq and Afghanistan and bring about the days of Salahuddin Al-Ayubi.  For these youngsters amongst us who have been deluded by certain clerics and are being brainwashed, I say in all sincerity to them:  open up the Quran and Sunnah and read some basic ayat and ahadith.

A man comes to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and says, “Ya Rasulullah, I have come here to go and fight for the sake of Allah and do jihad for the sake of Allah, so what do you advise me?  Where should I go?”  The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Is your mother alive?”  He said, “Yes.”  He said, “Go and stick with her because Jannah is under her feet.”  He wants to go for jihad, and this is a legitimate jihad – not the illegitimate type that we find in our times of killing innocent people and bombing airplanes and doing things of utter and sheer stupidity which is unIslamic and downright evil and foolish.

This man says, “I’ve come to do jihad.”  What does the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) say?  “Is your mother alive?  Go struggle in taking care of her and struggle in maintaining the ties of kinship and ties of loyalty that your mother deserves.”

In another tradition narrated in the Musnad of Imam Ahmad, a man comes to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and says, “O Messenger of Allah, I have come from a far away land [in some versions he says Yemen], and I have immigrated to Madinah in order to be with you and do jihad behind you, and I have even left my parents crying in order to be with you.”  This is the first time he is seeing the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).  He is trying to boast to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) that he has done so much for the sake of jihad that he even left his mother and father crying.  The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Go back to them and make them laugh just like you made them cry.”  You want to do jihad?  What a joke!  You have left your parents angry at you, what kind of Muslim are you?  You want to go do jihad and your parents are crying?  You want the pleasure of Allah by angering your parents?  You want to please Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) by displeasing your parents?  “Go back to them right now and make them laugh as you had made them cry.”

This is the real jihad, brothers and sisters.  This is what we need to tell our young, overzealous, undereducated youth.  Wallahi it is easy to log onto a few chat forums and talk some grandiose, ultra-romanticized, utopic talks about how you are going to do this and that, but it is very difficult to listen to your mother and father.  It is very difficult to be a good son and daughter.  Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) tells us very clearly that is the real jihad.

What can we do with our parents?   In other words, what does Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) require from us?  To summarize very briefly, if one’s parents are alive a number of things can be done.  First and foremost, financial rights and obligations.  No doubt, parents have financial rights over us.

Secondly, physically helping and serving them.  Taking care of their needs, giving them food and water, making food for them.  Instead of your mother going to the kitchen to get a glass of water, wallahi this is your duty.  If you see your mother stand up to do something, you should stand up and do it for her.  The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said to the sahabi, “Go and stick to her feet…”  This is an Arabic expression and means to go and lower yourself to her and humble yourself to her.  You are literally and metaphorically a servant.  “Go and stick to her feet because Jannah is under her feet.”

Thirdly, respecting them, controlling your anger in front of them, and never showing your irritation.  Next time you feel irritated against your parents, remind yourself of the verse of Allah:  “Don’t say uff.”  Ask Allah to help you in preventing to say that uff even if you feel it and even if you feel the anger and frustration, close it.  Withdraw and withhold that sentiment from being expressed.

Lastly, showing your love to them.  Going above and beyond the call of duty.  This is what Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) says:  “Lower unto them your wings of mercy.”

If your parents have passed away, one or both of them, then no doubt this is a great loss and a very traumatic experience.  Once it is narrated that the father of the famous companion al-harith al-Aqli passed away, and he was uncontrollably crying.  The sahabah around him consoled him and said, “Insha’Allah he is in Jannah and insha’Allah Allah has forgiven him.”  He said to them, “Do you think that I am crying because he has passed on? Wallahi I am sad that he has passed on, but that is not why I am crying.  I am crying because my main door to Jannah has now been taken away from me.  This is how I wanted to get to Jannah.”

The father of another sahabi died and he said, “For one year after he died, every time I raised my hands I could not think of any du‘a’ except for him.  All I could think of was to make du‘a’ for him.”

After a parent dies and moves on to the next life, still a lot can be done.  First and foremost, as the sahabi said, seek forgiveness for them and ask Allah to forgive them and raise their ranks for them.  Make du‘a’ for them.  Secondly, make sure that their wishes, requests, and wills were fulfilled.  Make sure that anything they wanted done is executed on their behalf.  Thirdly, give sadaqah.  Give money and say, “O Allah, reward my mother for this ten, twenty, thirty dollars.”  Give regularly – every week, every month.  Give something on their behalf and say, “O Allah, give this reward to my mother and father.”  Sacrifice an animal, mentioning Allah’s Name and giving it to the poor and saying, “O Allah, reward my mother for feeding the poor.”

Also, make hajj and ‘Umrah for them.  Making hajj and ‘Umrah is one of the greatest and most noble acts that you can do as a son or a daughter as long as you have done hajj and ‘Umrah.  When you put on ihram, “Labbayk on behalf of my mother” or “Labbayk on behalf of my father.”  Then, each and every penny, minute and toil and circumstance that you face, Allah will reward your mother, and you will be rewarded as a righteous son for doing this for your mother.

Also, the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said one of the ways we can show respect to the parents and to fulfill their rights after they have moved on is – and this is something hardly anybody does – meet the friends and relatives of our parents who we would not have met otherwise.  In other words, our parents have their circle of friends, and because they were alive, we would also go to those friends and distant relatives.  When they have moved on, we have no reason to communicate with them.  We have nothing much in common.  The only thing we have in common is our parents.  The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “A part of being a good son and a good daughter is that after your parents have moved on, go to those relatives and family members and acquaintances and friends for the sake of your parents.”

Some scholars have derived the wisdom behind this, and they say one of the wisdoms is that when you go to these people, and of course they will be of a different age and generation than you, you don’t have much in common except one thing:  your mother, your father.  What will the topic of discussion be?  Your mother or your father.  What do you think will happen when this person reminds you of how they interacted and what your mother did?  How will you feel after that?  You will feel so much love and tenderness and want to go home and give sadaqah on her behalf and make du‘a’ for her.  That love will be rejuvenated and revived.  Therefore, by visiting the friends and relatives of our deceased parents, the love of our parents is once again rekindled within us.  This is one of the wisdoms some of the scholars derived from this particular legacy of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

Let me conclude by quoting a very interesting and beautiful tradition that is reported from the famous companion Ibn ‘Abbas (radyAllahu ‘anha).  It is narrated that once a man was doing tawaf around the Ka‘bah and had his mother on his back.  He saw Ibn ‘Abbas in the distance, so he came running over to him and said, “O Ibn ‘Abbas, this elderly lady on my back is my mother.  She has been asking to come for hajj for as long as I can remember.  She has always wanted to go for hajj, and I could not afford to buy an animal to bring her, so this year I decided to carry her on my back and do hajj with her on my back.  Have I now fulfilled the rights of a son to his mother?”  Ibn ‘Abbas smiled and he said, “You have done good, but you have not even done a fraction of what you should.”  In other words: “Alhamdulillah, you are a good son, but don’t come and tell me ‘Have I fulfilled the rights of my mother?’”

The man said, “O Ibn ‘Abbas, I have come from the city of so-and-so [me mentioned a far-away city] carrying my mother on my back, and you are telling me I haven’t done even a fraction?”  Ibn ‘Abbas said one thing, and wallahi this shows their understanding of human psychology and human nature.  The sahabah are at a different level than us completely.  Ibn Abbas said, “You haven’t done a fraction of what your mother did to you because when your mother took care of you and did everything that she did for you, her goal was to give you life.  She did it out of love and to see you flourish.  She did it genuinely for your own nourishment and flourishing.  Now when you are paying her back, you are doing it as a duty and burden.  You are doing it out of a sense of guilt and duty, and you are waiting for the day that she dies.  You are not wanting to see her flourish and live.  You are simply doing it as a dutiful son.  You don’t have the same genuine, selfless love that your parents had for you when they did what they did.”

Simply one psychological statement:  your parents did for you everything to see you live and flourish.  When you become old and they are now the ones being taken care of, you are not doing it in the same philosophy.  You are doing it as a burden and to pay back.  How can you compare the two?  One is selfless love and the other a sense of gratitude and duty.  How can you possibly compare?

Brothers and sisters, parents are the best blessing that Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) has given us after iman.  Parents are the largest door to Jannah and the easiest way to get to Jannah.  In the famous hadith of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and with this hadith we will conclude, as he is climbing the steps of the minbar in front of hundreds of thousands of sahabah and each time he climbs, he says, “Amin! Amin! Amin!”  Then he turns around and says, “I will explain to you why I said, ‘Amin.’  Jibril came to me and he told me three things.  Every time he told me one thing, he said, ‘Say, “Amin,”’ so I said, ‘Amin.’  The last one that he said was, ‘O Muhammad (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), any person of your ummah who manages to catch a parent [in other words: whose parents live to old age] and they still are not capable of having their sins forgiven and entering Jannah [in other words, if Allah blesses you with an elderly parent and you still cannot earn Allah’s Pleasure] then may that person perish.”

In other words, if you have elderly parents and you are not able to earn Allah’s Pleasure through them, you will not earn it through any other means.  “Say ‘Amin,’ ya Rasulullah.”  So the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said, “Amin.”

Brothers and sisters, simple point.  Bottom line.  If your parents are alive, the only way to be a pleasing servant to Allah and the only way to be a good Muslim is to have your parents love you.  If your parents are angry with you or if your parents are not happy with you and you are not trying to change that situation, it doesn’t matter what you do in the Eyes of Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala).  The parents have ultimate priority in this world.

May Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) allow us to be righteous servants.  May Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) allow us to be dutiful and loving sons and daughters.  May He give us the patience and the amin and the tawfiq to take care of our parents the way that they deserve and the way that Allah (subhanahu wa ta‘ala) has commanded from us.  May He allow us to live as Muslims, to die as Muslims, and to be resurrected as Muslims.

Also Read : Parents – My Biggest Door to Jannah