When Friends Hurt Each Other

When Friends Hurt Each Other
From a speech by Muhammad Alshareef

One day, Imam Malik entered Masjid An-Nabawi after Asr, and sat down towards the front of the masjid. RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam had commanded that anyone who enters the masjid should not sit until he first prays 2 raka’ as a salutation to the masjid. However, Imam Malik was of the opinion that RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam’s forbiddance of praying after Asr took precedence over tahiyyatul masjid. Therefore, Imam Mailk would teach his students to not pray the tahiyyatul masjid if they entered the masjid between Asr and Maghrib time.

At the moment that Imam Malik sat down, a young boy had seen him sit without first praying the 2 raka’ of tahiyyatul masjid. The young boy scorned him saying, “Get up and pray 2 raka’!”

Imam Malik dutifully stood up and began praying the 2 raka’. The students were stunned; what was going on? Had Imam Malik changed his opinion?

After he had completed the salah, the students swarmed around him and questioned his actions. Imam Malik said, “My opinion has not changed, nor have I gone back on what I taught you earlier. I merely feared that had I not prayed the 2 raka’ as the young boy commanded, Allah may include me in the ayah:

“And when it is said to them, “Prostrate yourselves!” they do not so.” (Surah Al Mursalat 77:48)

Imam Ahmad held the opinion that eating camel meat nullifies ones wudu’; an opinion that the majority of scholars differed from. Some students asked him, “If you find an Imam eating camel meat in front of you, and, without first making wudu’, he leads salah, would you pray behind him?”

Imam Ahmad replied, “Do you think I would not pray behind the likes of Imam Malik and Sa’eed ibn Al-Musayyab?”

Allah created humans with differences, and this is the law of creation. On the outside, we all have different languages, different colors, and different cultures. However on the inside, humans were created with many degrees of knowledge, intellect, and comprehension of concepts. This is all a sign of Allah’s all encompassing power to do whatever He wills:

“And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the variations in your languages and your colours: verily in that are Signs for those who know.” (Surah Al Rum 30:22)

Humans shall differ, but this is not the issue. The real issue is how a Muslim should confront these differences of opinions, and what should be our relationship with someone of a different opinion.

Allah ta’ala commanded us to call and advise people in this Deen of Al-Islam. Many Muslims set off on this mission blindfolded, not realizing that the map is already in the Quran. In fact, in the very same verse where Allah commanded us to call and advise people in this Deen, Allah also taught us how to do it. Read the following verse carefully:

“Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious: for thy Lord knoweth best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance.” (Surah Al Nahl 16:125)

There is no need to philosophize or talk in flower gardens. It is right there, plain and simple for anyone who would take heed. There, in that ayah, are the three ingredients to apply when we disagree with someone. The same Allah that taught us to debate the truth also taught us how to do it: with hikmah, good instruction, and to argue in a way that is best.

What does it mean to have hikmah (wisdom) when differing with someone?

The grandsons of RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam once set one of the most beautiful examples of hikmah in advising others. In their young age, Al-Hassan and Al-Husayn saw an elderly man performing wudu’ incorrectly. Together they arranged a plan to teach the man without insulting him, advising him in a manner befitting of his age.

They went to the man and announced, “My brother and I have differ over who amongst us performs wudu’ the best. Would you mind being the judge to determine which one of us indeed performs wudu’ more correctly?”

The man watched intently as the two grandsons of RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam performed wudu’ in an explicit manner. After they had finished, the man thanked Al-Hassan and Al-Husayn and said, “By Allah, I did not know how to perform wudu’ before this. You have both taught me how to do it correctly.”

We must understand that there are two dimensions to hikmah. First, there is the hikmah of knowledge (hikmah ilmiyyah). And second, there is the hikmah of action (hikmah amaliyyah).

Some people may have hikmah of knowledge. However, we see that when they try correcting others, and advise them, they lack the hikmah of action. This causes many people to reject the hikmah of knowledge.

To illustrate hikmah of knowledge without hikmah of action, a brother once completed salah in a local masjid. He then proceeded to shake hands with the people on his right and left. The brother to his immediate right slapped his hand and snapped, “That is not part of the Sunnah!”

The man replied more correctly, “Oh, is disrespect and insult part of the Sunnah?”

To show hikmah when we differ requires the following:

1. Sincerity

If we differ, our intentions should be that we are differing in the sincere hope of coming away with the truth. Our intentions should be sincerely for the sake of Allah. We should not differ just to release some hate or envy in our heart. Nor, should we differ to embarrass someone like we may have been embarrassed. Abu Hurayrah narrates that RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam said:

“If anyone acquires knowledge of things by which Allah’s good pleasure is sought, but acquires it only to get some worldly advantage, he will not experience the arf, i.e. the odour, of Paradise.”  (Abu Dawood: Book #25, Hadith #3656)

2. Kindness and Gentleness

To have hikmah when differing means we should rarely depart from an atmosphere of kindness and gentleness; we should seldom allow ourselves to become angry and raise our voices.

Fir’own was one of the evilest persons that lived. On the other hand, Musa alayhis sallam was one of the noblest. Look at how Allah told Musa alayhis sallam to advise Fir’own:

“Go, both of you, to Pharaoh (Fir’own), for he has indeed transgressed all bounds; But speak to him mildly; perchance he may take warning or fear (Allah).” (Surah Ta Ha 20:43-44)

A man once entered upon the khalifah and chastised him for some policies he had taken. The khalifah replied, “By Allah, Fir’own was more evil than me. And by Allah, Musa alayhis sallam was more pious than you. Yet, Allah commanded him to speak with gentle speech; perhaps he may remember or fear (Allah).”

3. Take Your Time and Clarify

To have hikmah when dealing with others is to be patient and clarify things before snapping to conclusions. Imam Ahmad narrates with his chain of narrators leading to Ibn Abbas, who said:

“A man from Banu Saleem passed by a group of the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam’s companions [during the time of war]. The man said as salaamu alaykum to them. The companions concluded that he only said as salamu alaykum as a deception to save himself from being caught. They surrounded him, and Malham ibn Juthaamah killed him. From that event Allah revealed the [following] verse:

“O ye who believe! When ye go abroad in the cause of Allah, investigate carefully, and say not to any one who offers you a salutation (a greeting of peace): “Thou art none of a believer!” Coveting the perishable goods of this life: with Allah are profits and spoils abundant. Even thus were ye yourselves before, till Allah conferred on you His favours: Therefore carefully investigate. For Allah is well aware of all that ye do.” (Surah Al-Nisa’ 4:94)”

4. Speak Kindly

Never trade-in kind words for harshness, especially when dealing with other Muslims.

In Madinah, Mus’ab ibn Umayr was the first ambassador of RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam. Before RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam had arrived in Madinah, Mus’ab taught ahlul-Madinah about Islam, and they began to enter the deen.

This enraged Sa’ad ibn ‘Ubaadah, one of the chieftains of Madinah. He sheathed his sword and set off for the head of Mus’ab ibn ‘Umayr. When he confronted Mus’ab, he threatened, “Stop this nonsense you speak, or you shall find yourself dead!”

Mus’ab replied in the way that should be a lesson for us all. Sa’ad did not stop at rudeness and ignorance; he wanted to slit Mus’ab’s throat. But Mus’ab kindly said, “Shall you not sit and listen for a few moments. If you agree with what I say, then take it. And if not, we shall desist from this talk.” Sa’ad sat down.

Mus’ab spoke about Allah and His Messenger until Sa’ad ibn ‘Ubaadah’s face shone like a full moon. He said, “What should a person do who wishes to enter into this Deen?”

Mus’ab told him and then Sa’ad replied, “There is a man. If he accepts this deen there shall be no home in Madinah that will not become Muslim. This man is Sa’ad ibn Mu’aadh.”

When Sa’d ibn Mu’aadh heard what was happening, he was infuriated. He left his home to go and kill this man called Mus’ab ibn Umayr for the dissention he had caused. He entered upon Mus’ab and announced, “You shall desist of this religion you speak of or you shall find yourself dead!”

Mus’ab again kindly replied, “Shall you not sit and listen for a few moments. If you agree with what I say then take it. And if not, I shall desist from this talk.” Sa’ad sat.

Mus’ab spoke about Allah and His messenger until Sa’ad ibn Mu’aadh’s face shone like a full moon and he asked, “What should a person do who wishes to enter into this Deen?”

Look at what a kind word did. Sa’ad ibn Mu’aadh went home to his Madinan tribe that night and announced to them all, “Everything of yours is haram upon me until you all enter into Islam.”

That night, every home in Madinah went to bed with ‘La ilaaha illAllah’ all because of a kind word.

Who Wins?

When Mu’awiya b. al-hakam came to Madinah from the desert, he did not know that it was forbidden to speak during the salah. He relates:

“While I was praying behind the Messenger of Allah (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam), a man in the company sneezed. I said: “Allah have mercy on you!”

The people stared at me with disapproving looks, so I said: “Woe be upon me, why is it that you stare at me?” They began to strike their hands on their thighs, and when I saw them urging me to observe silence (I became angry) but I said nothing.

When the Messenger of Allah (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) had said the prayer (and I declare that neither before him nor after him have I seen a leader who gave better instruction than he for whom I would give my father and mother as ransom). I swear that he did not scold, beat or revile me but said: “Talking to persons is not fitting during the prayer, for it consists of glorifying Allah, declaring his Greatness. and recitation of the Quran or words to that effect.” (Sahih Muslim, Book #004, Hadith #1094)

Islam showed us how to differ with one another. Some people think that we should never differ at all, and all disagreements should be avoided. Nay, this is an incorrect assumption, for the Quran and Sunnah show clearly that when a mistake is made it should be corrected. Indeed, helping others to do what is right (sincere naseeha) is a requirement of the deen.

We see when the Rasul sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam turned away from Abdullah ibn Umm Maktoom, the blind man, Allah corrected him in the Quran:

“(The Prophet) frowned and turned away, Because there came to him the blind man (interrupting). But what could tell thee but that perchance he might grow (in spiritual understanding)?- Or that he might receive admonition, and the teaching might profit him?” (Surah ‘Abasa 80:1-4)

When Haatib ibn Abi Balta’ah radi Allahu anhu made the mistake of writing to the kuffar of Quraysh and informing them of the direction in which the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam was headed on a military campaign against them, Allah ‘azza wa jall revealed the words:

“O ye who believe! Take not my enemies and yours as friends (or protectors),-…” (Surah Al Mumtahinah 60:1)

Thus, we learn that when a mistake happens it should be corrected. However, the method of correction is what needs our attention.

Whenever Muslims argue, it is as if each party carries a banner of  “I must win and you must lose!” However, careful study of the Sunnah shows us that this is not always the case with the way RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam acted. Consider the following banner’s of RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam:

Banner #1: I Lose and You Win

A Bedouin came to RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam and told him, “Give me from what Allah gave you, not from the wealth of your mother nor from the wealth of your father.” The Sahaabah were furious at the man and stepped forward to discipline him for what he said. RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam commanded everyone to leave him.

Then by the hand, RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam took the Bedouin home, opened his door and said, “Take what you wish and leave what you wish.” The man did so and after he was done, RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam asked him, “Have I honored you?”

“Yes, by Allah,” said the Bedouin. “Ash hadu an Laa ilaaha illal Lahu Wa ash hadu anna Muhammadan abdu Hu Wa Rasuluhu”

When the Sahaabah heard of how the man changed, RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam taught them:

“Verily, the example of myself, you, and this Bedouin is that of a man who had his camel run away. The townspeople tried capturing the camel for him by running and shouting after the camel, only driving it further away. The man shouted, ‘Leave me and my camel; I know my camel better.’ Then he took some grass in his hand, ruffled it in front of the camel, until it came willingly. By Allah, had I left you to this Bedouin, you would have hit him, hurt him and he would have left without Islam and eventually have entered Hellfire.”

Banner #2: I Win and You Lose

A Muslim should not have an apologetic stance to everything he is confronted with. There are times when the truth must be said, when there is no room for flattery.

When the makhzoomi woman (a woman from an affluent family) stole, people approached RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam to have her punishment canceled. RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam became very angry and stood on the pulpit and announced, “By Allah, had Fatimah the daughter of Muhammad stole, I would have cut her hand off.”

There is no room for flattery because the truth must be stood up for. It is here that the etiquette of disagreement should shine.

Banner #3: I Win and You Win

There doesn’t always have to be a loser. In many cases, we see that RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam gave a way out for the people he differed with.

In the letter the Prophet sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam sent to Caesar, he said, “Become Muslim and you shall be safe; Allah shall give you your reward double!”

He did not say surrender or die or anything of that nature. Rather he said become Muslim and not only shall you win but your victory shall be double.

I shall end with this shining example of how to act with other Muslims from our role model, Abu Bakr radi Allahu anhu:

Abu Bakr radi Allahu anhu once disputed with another companion about a tree. During the dispute Abu Bakr said something that he rather would not have said. He did not curse, he did not attack anyone’s honor, and he did not poke a fault in anyone. All he said was something that may have hurt the other companion’s feelings.

Immediately, Abu Bakr, understanding the mistake, ordered him, “Say it back to me!”

The companion said, “I shall not say it back.”

“Say it back to me,” said Abu Bakr, “or I shall complain to the Messenger of Allah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam.”

The companion refused to say it back and went on his way. Abu Bakr went to RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam and related what had happened and what he said. RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa salaam called that companion and asked him. “Did Abu Bakr say so and so to you?”

He said, “Yes.”

He asked, “What did you reply?”

He said, “I did not reply it back to him.”

RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam said, “Good, do not reply it back to him (do not hurt Abu Bakr). Rather say, ‘May Allah forgive you O Abu Bakr.’”

The Companion turned to Abu Bakr and said, “May Allah forgive you O Abu Bakr! May Allah forgive you O Abu Bakr!”

Abu Bakr cried as he walked away.

Let us develop a resolve to revive this air RasulAllah sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam and his companions breathed: an air of mercy, love and brotherhood.

And Allah knows best.